celestialsnow

Ashland Shakespearan Festival

2008-04-30T23:35:02Z

So far every year for my birthday since I met my husband I have gone to the theatre. :) We went again this year. It was a modern rendition in a retro, mostly 70s disco of Midsummer Night's Dream. It was so awesome! The best performance, live or movie, of the story, I think. Very interesting to listen to Shakespeare's dialog sang to the music of disco. My only gripe is that Puck sang the last lines of the play - which I think lessened the impact of what they convey. Otherwise, it was so AMAZING I wept with how wonderfully artistic it was. I know most people do not understand my sentimentality. It was just magnificent!

Next year is MacBeth. I LOVE MacBeth! I have never seen it on stage - I have only played in it, as one of the Witches, of course! heheh It is my favorite play of all. I am really very interested in in how they will do the special effects. I have always wondered how the special effects of the play were done in the Middle Ages for the performance.

I hope this one will be traditional. We saw the Taming of the Shrew in October that was traditional and historical. I wish I could go to all the performances! Ashland is such a gorgeous city - I envy all my friends who went there out of high school. If I had known it was so cool, I may have actually endeared my father's rules to have gone. heheh I was really into drama in high school and my first year of college. Of course, my father didn't understand. He probably would have flipped if I had majored in drama and theater. And yet Ashland's Southern Oregon University has a really excellent drama program! I was surprised.

Here is a link to Midsummer Night's Dream:
http://www.osfashland.org/browse/production.aspx?prod=87

Click on "multimedia" to see a sample of the show. Enjoy! :) (and browse the site, if you wish)

FINALLY have my computer again!

2008-04-30T22:59:54Z

It took some nagging, but finally my DH got my computer up and running again. I have a new one, but we misplaced the part, and I told him, "I have to have my computer!" so he reluctantly hooked up my old one. heheh

We moved into a new house. I love it! It is so awesome! And I am just a couple blocks away from my family, so it is just perfect! Finally, my own house, my own land. Ok, so it is rented, but it is perfect! I still boxes to unpack, but the bulk of it is done. I now have my own washer and dryer, so I can do laundry! We just need the last of the furniture out of storage, and it's all good!

I had a wonderful birthday! One of the best. Just with family. We are still getting snow and frost, but several sunny days in between - it is just a late spring this year. I had birthday snow! And when the frost ends, I will be planting my garden! I have lots of space for it.

We live in a definite "cabin in the woods." I even had to boil water on the wood stove for a few days until the propane was hooked up. :) I am making it very "witchy" - and for the first time ever in my life as a Witch, I can practice what I know of Hearth Magick! Which has been so much fun and incredible! I was always told it was one of the best. :) I work with a lot of cinnamon and nutmeg, and my daughters asked if I am baking gingerbread cookies. LOL

And I have a "craft room" where I am getting very crafty. heheh I have made several of the cloth dolls - which are selling! And some seasonal wreaths, Pennsylvania Dutch Hexes, and LOTS of sewing. I really need to make out a schedule so I get all my projects done as I work on them.

For the first time in my life, I LOVE my kitchen! It is designed so perfect for me! Everything is accessible and easy for me to get to, so I am spending a lot of time in there lately. It is very efficient. I finish what has been in my life the most dreaded chores for me in just minutes! And I love the organized clean feel, as well as the colors and decor. So good to feel at HOME!

So sorry about the lapse in my writing. I shall get back to it. And I will try to catch up on all I missed in your journals. Thanks for your patience in sticking around. :)

Catching up and rambling - Long Post

2008-03-01T06:18:10Z

Sorry I haven't written. I just haven't felt like writing on LJ lately.

Out of boredom, I joined facebook and found some old high school friends (who do not remember me - and here I thought I was unforgettable, LOL) and we are planning our 20 year reunion! I am so amazed it has been 20 years! But I feel so much better re-connecting with my high school friends and classmates. We were all in the top honor classes, creative and intelligent. We have all been divorced, some more than once. Most of us, though with scholarships and academically minded, have been delayed with college and ended up in careers that were not what we expected to be in. In other words, I am normal! For the first time I feel normal, and where I belong, and I do not feel so different afterall. Instead of feeling ashamed of my life, I feel in sharing it with my old classmates how exciting and interesting my life has been, full of adventure, with what became obvious to me a definite focus in life. Even mental breakdowns are normal, and people understand.

And I met up with my college professors, which is so cool. And the most exciting of all! My best friends from the Army! Not only did I find old friends (who do remember me!) but I am helping them re-connect to mutual friends. I feel like I have my family back, and I have been receiving messages of love and endearment from those who are still serving overseas when I am not, yet I can still be there for them as a friend. I pray for them to be kept safe and hope I can see them again in the future - even for a couple of hours to talk over coffee.

I am now an official state judge for an educational program, and I am meeting many members of the community - even someone who lives right across the street! Most of them are educators, and it made me feel good when one of them asked me if I were a teacher because I talked like one. That really produced a warm glow inside, as well as people thinking I am ten years younger than I really am. Not because of maturity level, because they obviously think I am intelligent and educated if they think I am a teacher, but because I look younger than my years. I am used to that. It is kind of nice for people to think I am 27 instead of almost 40.

I started a new story based on a dream that I need to finish. It is about English juvenile prisons and Irish rebellions. I have another short story about the angel of death I want to complete. I have also been working on my novel - but not as much as I promised myself I would. I helped my husband to type out his handwritten notes of his own writings. Right now I am obsessed with buying a home. My degree and a house - my two obsessions right now. My family is tired of hearing me bitch about it. heheh My mom is like, "Just do it already!" Yeah, I wish! I have spring fever or something - I just feel like breaking out and breaking free. I LOVE the snow! And God, we have a lot of it! And we have this wonderful warm sunshine lately, but I wish for longer, sunny and warm days so I can get things done! I want spring! And I am so relieved it is almost here. God I want my own house! How can i plan my garden without it?

I hate house hunting. I hate it. Which is why I am obsessed with buying a home. I am so sick of moving, of renting, and I want to live HERE! The schools are great, it has everything I need, my family is here, my friends are here, my church is here, everything I could ask for is here. Life is good. I am happy with everything. Everyone gets along. I am filled with love for everyone, even my ex-husband and his psycho wife. I have concluded they are psycho, sick, and can't help what they do because it is what psychos do. I still hope we can get along at some point, or just no more court. I no longer feel angry and hateful, though. Which is good. I look at the future with optimism. I am very irritated with them trying to turn my son against me though. I tell him he needs to have a stronger heart. One day he will have the strength and courage to stand up for what is right, no matter what he is afraid of. Can I blame him that his dad scares him? He is good at trying to scare others, a bully, because he is really so weak and minute as a man. That is what I realized, he has nothing to really offer as a man. He is puny, skinny, and he has that "little man syndrome" of trying to look like a "bad ass" and have everyone intimidated of him because life scares the shit out of him. Not that I can blame him, either. He was very abused as a child, and I fear he is stuck in that mentality of an abused child who is intent on survival at all costs, never feeling worthy of love.

Someone told me recently he was still in love with me. Well, not really love per se, since that kind of obsession is not love, but a sick kind of love-hate where he talks about me (in a bad way) all the time to others and is so focused on winning in court that we are always there. This person told me (who knows him, and was only giving her opinion - I swear he has no idea how many "friends" he has comes to me to tell me things about him when I run into him. His "friends" enjoy the drama, that's all. Bugs the heck out of me. Leave me out it, ok?) anyway, told me she thinks he only takes me to court so he can see me again, as much as possible. And he is really miserable with his wife, who treats him like shit, like he can't think for himself. I mean, she knew us when we were together and she knows I was really patient and good to him, and she doesn't like his wife, though she pretends to. Which I do not get. Oh, and I know she talks about me to them, too. So why come to me and pretend to be all nice, and how she thinks she is still my "friend." Just so stupid. People need to mind their own business.

My son does that sort of thing. He will talk about them, and he will ask a question about them, like "why does she do that to her hair?" for example, about his stepmom. And I will say, "Idon' know; why does she do that to her hair? Why don't you ask her?" And he says to me, "Why do you care what she does? You shouldn't care." He brought it up! Or how he calls me to pretend to be mad at me for something for the benefit of his father over the phone. And then he tells me how he is only doing that to impress his dad. Drives me nuts! I tell him to stop it. This conflict as him getting in the game of playing one parent against the other, and his dad just runs with it, eats it up, loves it. He will say to me, even in court, how my son hates me. Psycho. Not even true. My son says it is all an act because his dad expects it. He is such a cool kid with me - he says I am the only one who plays with him. And I tell him that I am the only one who matters, then. heheh

I admit he is spoiled. I want him spoiled. I love that his is spoiled. He is intelligent and so self-assured, comfortable to be himself with me that I find it hard to believe he is intimidated by anything, even his dad. But his tears tell a different story. And I know how he feels all too well. So sad one person (his dad) who can be loved by his family can cause them so much pain. I loved his dad deeply, for better or for worse, even with all his problems. I believed we could have worked through it all. I think he ran scared from what he had - to a woman he admitted at the time did not treat him well. And they try so hard to show how in love they are. So fake, an act. And I have no choice but to see them all the time with court. I still can't see why anyone believes them at all. I think I see through masks to the heart and soul of people, the ugliness of the lies and pretending.

I am not perfect, but I strive for perfection, but I want something real. And I am not afraid to admit my faults and tell them to the world. Why should I pretend to be perfect like the rest of the world does when I can be honest and show what is perfect, along with my flaws?

My latest studies have been with crystals and healing - again. Each time I learn more about the subject and go deeper into the practice and knowledge of it. Same stones and crystals I have always have, but learning more about them. I have some new ones on the way - should arrive any day from Brazil - mostly selenite, which I have found to be an awesome crystal of gypsum. And my first laser quartz. I think I got kyanite, too, but I can't remember the rest. I need to find some nuummite and aqua lumeria.

I am on the third season of Dead Zone ( the Bones I get have all been wrong from Netflix) and I am in the 4th week of In Treatment, my only shows lately besides the movies.

So I am now going back to my studies and my writing. Adios for now.

One word poem

2008-02-03T22:12:11Z

LIAR

Liar, liar, liar liar

liarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliar

Lie r LieR Lier lierLirerlIerliErlieR

Lye R

Lie rrrrrrrr

Lyre

Lie yr LIE YR

Lie ere lieere lyre

rail rail rail rail

li re ly re lie re lie rrrrrrrrrrrr

Liar
Lia
Li
L

Prevaricator, fibber, perjurer, false witness, falsifier, deluder, fraud, duper, cheater, cheat, libeler, equivocater, hedger, misleader, dissembler, hypocrite, legpuller, circumventor, deceiver, Ananias, false friend, shammer, actor, fabulist, pseudologist, yarner, Baron von Munchhausen

Now transparent. No longer believed. Found out. Mask is removed and the truth revealed.

Everyone sees but you.
Pathetic!

Just the Daily Stuff

2008-01-31T03:49:23Z

It snowed another foot from yesterday and last night.

I had a rough night the other night. I realize I am sensitive, but how much does a girl have to endure before finally breaking down into tears? Stuff accumulates and then some seemingly small thing will make me break down and go into a righteous rage. So I didn't sleep. I ended up in the garage finding some papers that have been missing for months, and figuring out in my head how to organize the complete chaotic mess.

Mostly, I want my life back!

Want an astrological explanation? The last time I felt like myself was back in 1995. At that time, Pluto passed through my 5th House, which is where most of my planets reside, plus that year I had a bunch of eclipses that hit all the major aspects. To use a magical phrase, it was the Dark Moon's Shadow in my life. To use a magickal correspondance, it was the 15th Path. To use a metaphysical or Christian term (by St. John the Baptist) it was my Dark Night of the Soul. A long dark night with a lot of false dawns.

This new year, I felt a significant change in myself and my personality. In a Native American vision quest, my main totem animal has changed. (And like my first time in a vision quest, I am really surprise I have learned to love this animal.) I was shocked to discover, even as I am pleased, to see the changes in my personal power symbols and sources.

And I was telling my mother that something felt big that was changing. What was up with Pluto? Well, Friday Pluto moved out of my 5th House into something else. And it also signifies a new generation - Pluto is a generational aspect. So it is now in my 6th House, which has a powerful planet, too, but one that will work well together.

So my mom, an astrologer, tells me this will make me feel exactly how I feel. And she says, "So just do it." I wouldn't be so bad except that most of the time I just feel REALLY pissed off, and that can be exhausting. So I am looking to transform it into more constructive energy. What happens is I stay up all night long, and then I am too tired to do anything though my mind is racing. Meditation with drum medicine is really helping.

I talk to my Native American teacher, but really, we mostly share our knowledge and experience now as friends. He has taken on new students, so I have really finally graduated. He wouldn't give me the ceremony last year because I wasn't "Zen" enough. He finally understands it works for him; it doesn't for me. I innately tapped into my own knowledge, and he was no longer "higher" than myself. I LOVE how he just knows and feels the changes, despite distance of time and location, and he calls almost right on cue, as if he hears me, and says, "Good job! I knew you could do it."

It also has to do with emotional control. So though I get pissed off and emotional, I am not showing it, or I can turn it off at will. Nice! Now I can choose when to rise to the occasion of a confrontation or not. My preferred choice is to walk away still. Which some people say or think makes me weak and passive. We shall see. What ethics and morals win in the end, we shall see, won't we? And the outcome overall is the deciding factor - not the battles, but the final endgame. Whenever, whichever that is. I hatet to express my joy in rediscovered confidence, since some people think that means it is time to "test" the strength of my defenses again. Although, what good does it do to let them think I am defeated, down and out? It is hard to say, "Can't keep me down, suckers!" Of course, I also delight in that it takes a group of people working together to hit me - one person. And I can stand alone against them.

Cue the Metallica theme song for the Scorpian King! Oh, I so delight in the symbolism that invokes in me!

I have decided that plagiarism is a form of honor - people think I am good enough to copy! I can now be genuinely amused when I am copied by others, who steal my ideas and pass them off as their own. And I am learning more about copyright laws, and we are finding ways to add up plagiarizing of my ideas and work tit out o eventually sue them for stealing. Yes! Knowledge is power! And I feel better knowing I am not helpless to stop it from happening. I can do something about it! Cool, cool!

Today was spent shoveling snow to get in and out of the driveway taking the kids to and from school. And working on some church business. Finally, got some serious, intelligent people! Who understand the Old Ways from an area I grew up Wiccan from. I have become strengthened in my faith and knowledge of my religion and my Goddess. And I have the foundation and back up as needed if anyone tries to voice doubt.

Now I just need to finish those books and get them on the shelves for people to purchase and read! Ugh! I wish the days were longer and I didn't have to sleep!

I just want to write! I just want to be myself! - Mirrors

2008-01-29T02:20:33Z

I think artists and writers are just their own type and should be amongst their own kind.

I hung out with teachers and school administrators this weekend. I felt at home! I really did. I said I was going to teach college, and they said, "But we need you in the lower grades!" As they then discussed how frustrating the state standards are and how it makes their jobs so hard. I think I cause some resentment: "Oh, yeah, go and teach adults! How nice for you. We need teachers in the lower grades!"

But colleges need instructors, too! The problem is that teaching does not get a lot of recognition in status or in income. Many teachers "fall back" onto teaching when their desired career didn't work out. Teaching is a "fall back" for me, too. But I feel it is a blessing. I have never been happier. I loved the medical field, but this really fits my needs and personality better.

Does anyone else find it hard to keep quiet when someone, anyone, says something that is judgmental against your personal beliefs or personal experience? In a blanket, general way. For example: "It is bad to have kids. No one should ever have kids!" Or "Everyone should be a vegan. People who eat meat are stupid!" I have lost friends over it., because I can't just stay quiet.

Yet I can say, "I respect your viewpoint, but I disagree. Here is why..." and they miss the whole, "I respect you..."

I LOL at it. I know it is their own issues, nothing to do with me. But then I become the object of the issue they are so against, and I do find it humorous in a psychological way how they will berate me, accusing me of all the things they are doing exactly themselves. I see it like they are fighting a mirror, not even recognizing their own reflection. They never see ME, only the issue, which is really a reflection of something of their own psychological issues. And I point this out, they become more offended.

I like being a mirror. It's very protective. I have learned to realize how much people do not see the reality of another person. I see myself reflected in others - they are my mirrors. I try to relate to people based on my own reality and perceptions, but it is impossible. I am intrigued by the whole of it.

The world is a collection of mirrors, all reflecting only the individual person and never the reality of the people they are interacting with. People will kill themselves attacking a mirror again and again, trying to shatter the reflection. Yet they cannot because the reflection is really the person themselves.

I love talking to psychologists. I go in and say, "Tell me about me." Sometimes I find their perception enlightening; sometimes I disagree because they still see me as a mirror. But they will admit they see a mirror, and will listen, most of the time, if I disagree. And we discuss it - not as me as a patient, but as two people who enjoy psychology and the mystery of human minds and emotions.

Which is why I like writing, art, movies, etc. It is the reflection of the human psyche and condition.

Icicles!

2008-01-24T00:47:02Z

My brother just came in with a four foot long icicle sword from the house! So cool! I thought the two feet long ones my aunt found yesterday were impressive. :)

Heath Ledger

2008-01-23T23:28:18Z

I almost wept last night seeing the news about Heath Ledger's passing. He was really one of my very favorite actors, and I was just shocked he passed away so suddenly like that.

Reading about it, I think as a method actor his part as The Joker may have messed with him, which was why he had been prescribed sleeping pills. Only last year a close family friend passed from an accidental overdose of sleeping and pain pills. It was so sad, so tragic!

His poor little girl and wife! He is one of the few actors I am very attracted to, and loved to watch him in ANY movie. He was so young, so full of potential. I would have watched every one of his movies throughout my life.

I will miss you, Heath! You were exceptional, one of the best! I mourn all the future movies you will not be playing in.

Bright Blessings on your journey to the next world.

Post #3

2008-01-23T07:15:01Z

This is post three because post #2 would not LJ cut, hence my previous question, so I made it private until it works.

Freeformwriting is a creative writing practice technique of just writing forthe sake of writing, without having any goal in mind and seeing whereyour mind takes you. It is for me a meditative technique.

I amgoing to leave the writing community, because normally I really likesimple writing prompts, but theirs are to specific and personal.Today's was: "broken promises." My thought was, "Don't even make me gothere!" I have already written one rant, this is too much on the samelines. And they were all that way.

I am so upset about this weekend and such that I have hadnightmares where I am yelling in my sleep. I never do that. And I ampissing everyone off. Well, I am pissed off at life in general! Which Ihave been ever since the new year started. My husband suddenly gotidealistic and started saying he would like to do this and this andthat, and I screamed about how I have been doing it for years! And Ihave been asking for his help. And he is saying, "Well, I am saying Iwant to help now." But was he saying he wanted to help ME?! No. He wassaying HE was going to do these things, and I had it all successfullyestablished before my divorce. I HAD everything he said he wants to do,and I did it MYSELF! So I know HOW to do it, but I would LOVE to havehis help, as a team, working together, doing it again. We've beentogether five years. I have been begging for help all that time. Do youknow how pissed off that makes me? Is it wrong for me to want somegoddamn credit for what I do once in a while? Why in the world dopeople wanting me to play the silent martyr? They want me weak,helpless, and I know why! They want to feel the strength of rescuingme! But the me they want to rescue is some ideal of me, and not who Ireally am! They don't want the REAL me! It's like they want MelanieWilkes and they are getting Scarlett O'Hara! And my character andpersonality is trapped between the two extremes of those two women thatI am left asking, "Who am I more like?"

No doubt I am a strongpersonality. I can fix a car as necessary, get my hands dirty, climb aroof, clean up vomit and bodily fluids, soak my hands in blood, cut upsomething dead, and I am the calmest head available in an emergency orcrisis, etc. But I can no longer run a marathon. I am also verynurturing, I hate to discipline kids and would rather spoil them witheverything their heart desires and play with them in their world, Ilove cats, kittens, and all types of furry baby animals. I love teddybears and baby dolls. I make handmade cloth dolls. I sew and crochet. Icook, clean, and can be the perfect wife and mother. I am empatheticand love people in general. I am the type people seek to cry on myshoulder, to pick up the pieces when life goes wrong, and to ask foradvice when they don't know where to turn. I am also the type whofaints for no reason, who can end up in the ER at a drop of a hat, whoneeds someone to make dinner for and feed in bed. I also cry veryeasily, and there are times when I just need to be held while I cry foran hour, for no reason.

I probably confuse the hell out of myfamily. To me, to predict the weather of my moods is easy. I don't seemunpredictable, anymore than anyone else is. People just need to payattention to the surrounding influences on the weather and anticipatethe storms - which is when one front clashes with another. If I have arun in with my ex-husband, you bet I am going to have some stormy rainyweather, with me yelling and crying my eyes out. And I am pissed offthat people expect me to be "normal" when those issues are going onoutside of the normal everyday thing, and say when I am venting, "Don'ttake it out on me!"

Oh, stop being such a sensitive baby! I amnot taking it out on you...I am upset because I am losing my baby boy.Ok?! Don't expect me to be calm and rational at such times.

Andthat is the problem overall. People want everyday to be a sunny dayfrom other people, while it is ok to have stormy and rainy days forthem. And on their sunny day, they don't want another's storminterferring with their perfect day. Me, I welcome all types ofweather, even rain on a sunny day. What I don't like is when someoneclose to me who says they LOVE me will not let me have a goddamn stormyand rainy day once in a while without taking it personally on theirrare sunny perfect days. How many sunny perfect days have YOU ruinedfor me?! Huh?! And did I ever tell you to not share it with me? NO! Isee the value of anger and rage and tears!!

WHY DO I HAVE TOBE PERFECT?! What makes one person more entitled to the responsibilityof being better, higher, above it all, more in control, more of aleader and inspiration to others than another? Who sets thesestandards? And how the hell did I get chosen to be one of those peoplewho have these higher expectations upon them to be expected to besomething more than mere human in my life, and not allowed even oneslip once in a while of emotion that consists of anger and sorrow? Whyis dainty weakness of being faint ok and not rage with thedetermination to do something against the injustice of the world? Whyis zen peacefullness consider to be better than passion?!

I hatezen! Someone called me zen lately. Why and what was it? I can'tremember. It was a compliment, though. I just think zen equals apathy,ignorance, and emotional detachment. The whole, "All's good, man. Gowith the flow." It is like a pothead's philosophy. In fact, everyAmerican zen philosopher I know does indulge in pot and advocates it'slegalization.

Although I read some explanations on politicalstances today and what meant what, and I had to change mine. The mediadoes a really good job of misrepresenting information. LOL I knewthat, but I didn't know I few things that got cleared up.

GunControl: This is one area I did not agree with Democrats on. I believein gun ownership. What I didn't know is that gun control means that theperson owning the gun needs to first be certified in regards with howto use a gun, and to be registered as being certified to have theresponsibility to gun ownership. And there should be a limit on gunsbased on personal defense and protection, which is the only reason whya private American citizen should own a gun. Well, duh! Not everyoneshould be allowed to own and shoot a gun! For god's sake! It's a deadlyweapon! And why would anyone need anything more than basic defense? Aperson who knows absolutely nothing about a gun should not be allowedto go into a store, buy a gun or several, and just take them. What isthe logic in that? Ok, so I am now in favor of gun control. Becauseonly responsible educated people SHOULD own a gun! That seems a given.

Ican't remember the issues., that was the only one that was major. Andsuch a change has me going from a "moderate democrat" to a "hard coreliberal democrat." Well, ok. I have always been called a "bleedingheart liberal." It just makes sense to me.

I should write thisup on my church bullentn board for discussion. I believe in theseperation of church and state, yet we can't help that politics comesup in our church discussions every election. Being religious, you dowant someone in power who will reflect the choices of your core valuesystem. Religion is about values and ethics more than it is aboutbelief and faith. Our values are liberal, and much of the time I havestudents in our church who are not aware of what they are voting for.

Forexample, I had a student who was Republican and voted for Bush in 2000.He was Pagan and gay. He voted Republican because his family alwayshad. He had no idea that Bush and the Republican party was againstrights for homosexuality and Bush had been trying for years to takeWiccan religious rights away. I ended up collecting Bush's speechesagainst gays and "witches" to prove he was hateful to these two groups.

Now, in our religion, we discuss the issues not in a religioussetting, just on the bullentin on the internet, never at the church orduring religious events. I am very opinionated, I am the head minister,I am the only veteran of the US (which has its own education) and I ama history major, the only one in higher education at a university.People ask for my opinion, and I give it. I cannot understand why somepeople support and vote for canidates who do not reflect their personalvalues, though they do educate themselves on the issues, and I am notsure how to go about responding to it. It tends to be a very non-PC of"OMG! You are voting for them? Why would you?"

I amhard core Hillary Clinton. I have always loved her, even before she wasFirst Lady. Even though I am from California, I used to listen toArkansas radio just to listen to Bill and Hillary's speeches when hewas governor. I love his passion. I love her depth of caring forchildren and families. I just love them. I knew in the Army their nextdoor neighbor, and I had him tell me stories of what they were life.They just have always been REAL to me, like people I would know in reallife. I am inspired by them. And like me, they are not allowed to makehuman mistakes. Anyone in their position can, and no one cares,. Butthey do, and the whole world knows about it. Every president hasaffairs - why was his such a big deal? Maybe because he is better thanmost, because he doesn't usually make mistakes like that. Maybe becausehe isn't allowed to be human.

And Hillary. As a woman, beingstrong means to be "cold." But if she shows emotion, she is "playing tothe crowd as a woman." I heard the entire time I was in the Army thatmen didn't want a woman president "because she would have PMS and starta war." What's George Bush's excuse for starting a war? I pointed outto the men that by the time a woman makes it to run for president, sheis in menopause and NO LONGER has the problem of hormones!

Butmost of all, I REALLY want Hillary to win simply because of somethingmy Political Science professor said, "She is too logical and smart. Shescares me." (He works for the state department) She is too good at whatshe does. She scares men, because she is smart, logical, intelligent -everything men say a women cannot be. It is what we need!

Howthe hell am I becoming an advocate for women's rights? But I am. Ithink men need to fight for their rights, too. And BE men. Hillary'shusband is a man. I don't think men should be "sensitive" and cook,clean, stay at home and watch the kids. I think men are protectors andproviders, and need to be allowed to show their physicalcompetitiveness as needed - to beat one another up and be friendsagain. Just because a society of women saying men should be "equal"will not change millions of years of the development of DNA in just ageneration or two. Women are nurturers and men are protectors. Womenare doing both the jobs of men and women and getting burned out andbroken down because of it. Men need to be allowed to be MEN!Civilization - humph! All it is doing is suppressing natural instinctthat comes out as uncontrolled violence - like domestic violence andabuse, gangs, psychopathic killers who snap.

Strong womencastrate men. Strong men are threatened and suppress women. I have noanswers. I just know the world is out of balance. And I think men needa men fighting for men, just as women need women fighting for women.And I think KIDS need advocates, too. As a kid my issue was that kidsneeded to be given more respect as a person, as an equal, just as muchas men and woman or minorities seek from one another. And then animals,plants, rocks, who cannot speak for themselves.

I think I needa few more lifetimes to work all this out. Damnit! I will deserve agreat big congratulations and graduation party if I complete mymissions in life in this lifetime. Why did I ever accept the challenge?

Question...lj cuts

2008-01-23T05:36:34Z

Is anyone else having trouble with the Lj cuts not working? Have they changed it?

Post for Today #1 - Thanks to New Friends!

2008-01-23T02:19:25Z

I just wanted to say thanks to all my new friends! I never tried an add me community, and I must say I am really having fun with just sharing writing with people I have never met in real life, and I am already getting more enjoyment out of LJ than I have all these years! So I a BIG thanks to all of you!

I am trying to keep personal information down to a minimum, due to problems in the past that has had me leave LJ off and on many times (you know, the icky drama stuff that literally spills over into your real life, and I have even had my private entries hacked into - so it is possible it happens! - to be used in court against me. Nasty custody battle. With psycho ex and his cronies who love to track me down on all my groups and such of the internet, since they have no obvious life of their own and I am their favorite hobby person to hate and slander. LOL)

But I am naturally an open and honest person, so this dark side of human nature has been, uh, "educational" and I still have a hard time not being my natural, normal and what is called "naive" self. :) So anything dealing with too much personal detail, like locations and such, just reserve for private messages or email. Thanks!

Just a note, I do not use real names. I will in a private message or email, so you will know who I am. I am not so anonymous that I am completely hidden, nor do I want to be. I just think I have a right to write, for fun, share, as a writer, with other journal writers, my life as a form as a real life biography among all the other things that writing has as benefits, from cathartic emotional healing, to clearing the mind of chaos, to working on creative writing exercises to keep in shape and improve my skills. I a had a totally private journal, and hated it. No drama, but also very restrictive with only specific friends I knew in real life. So sad that it had to come to that, so I am trying something new. To go back to what I loved about LJ in the first place, and you are really helping me do that! Thanks so much!

If I get too boring or too soap opera-ic, just drop me a note! Thanks!

Obstacles to writing...

2008-01-17T00:54:49Z

I couldn't write yesterday due to a couple of obstacles against me:

First: I woke up with a major migraine. My brother was sweet and went to pick up the kids from school for me - I was wondering how I was going to get out of bed.

Second: as soon as he left, the power went out until late last night due to a tree falling on some power lines. We have been without power several times already this year - and the year has just started! It was a good thing I had gone grocery shopping and got lamp oil on Monday.

My aunt has really gotten proficient at cooking on and with the woodstove. She made tacos last night. I dragged myself out of bed to be blahish on the couch. My mom rubbed my neck, and after dinner, she had my aunt get out her new massage table to work on me. So for two hours I got a massage and body balancing with stones and crystals. My aunt is actually very good, and she is thinking about doing this professionally again. She was very ill last year; she almost died. I used to be really into healing, but I have arthritis in my hands, fingers,and wrists now. I told her if I could heal that, I could help her out with massages and such - I used to be really good at it. So she started working on my hands. heheh My problem is tightness through my shoulders, which is probably what is causing the migraines.

After the healing, my headache was gone, but I felt that weak, faint, shaky feeling after intense healings. I was off to bed, but my mom had drawn a very hot bath. So I got to have a sweat bath, and I added sea salt, baking soda, and my own blend of healing oils. I soaked for as long as I could. I tried to keep my intoning down, but the family heard it and said they added to it. I meant to do some drumming, too, but after the bath, I was just weak, so I collapsed into bed.

I was up this morning at 6am to wake up the kids and take them to school. I have to start the car to warm up the engine and open the gate. The driveway is pure ice right now, so walking in the dark on frozen ground is treacherous. I didn't have a headache, but still felt weak, like having the flu. I was making some tea when one of the girls, the younger one, asks if I would make her some hot chocolate. I have asked them everyday if they want some; they always say no. Now I am sick, she is pretty much demanding me of it? I told her to make it herself. These girls do not have the innate sense to want to help others, and I cannot relate to it. I don't know why because their parents do. Last night, they knew I had a migraine, but still were louder than usual messing around. I told them sarcastically how nice and considerate they were. I am not usually such a bitch, but I have been since the new year. I let it be known I am not letting people walk all over me anymore, My husband says I am still being too nice to them. I told him to discipline them. I am better at being the nurturer.

Through boredom to accomplishment

2008-01-15T08:58:05Z

So I have been sitting here for a couple of hours now, since I got all the chaos our of my head, able to be inspired to work on my story...and nothing! This doesn't happen very often, this type of writer's block. Wanting to write, finally CAN write, on something specific, that is, and I cannot write. So I researched. I researched the analysis of the characters' names, which I do to begin with, but I was looking for something and got side-tracked. And got the name I was actually looking for.

I want to write fiction and I end up caught up in research. Typical me. I start a class book on Divination, and end up researching all the "mancy" s of history and beyond, evolving into an encyclopedia to go with the lesson book. Cool, but not what I set out to do and delayed by publication date.

And since i have been studying ancient Greek, and need to learn the language, I thought about putting off writing on the series but then I miss escaping once in a while into my fictional worlds. Which is what I wanted to do tonight, especially since I am working on a writing experiment with another writer! Who is having the same problem. But he gave me a tidbit I am curious about, so I want to write, so he will write, so I see what happens!

an hour later: I forced myself to finally just write and got done what I wanted to! Yay me! I shall now reward myself with bed, sleep, and dreams. :)

Tomorrow (more rambling chaotic thoughts concerning my life)

2008-01-15T05:36:49Z

I really gotta organize and clean the room. *sigh*
Clean laundry must be folded and put away.
I wonder how long it is going to take me?
Will I have time to write some more? (I hope!)

I love the snow!
I have been waiting years to live in the snow again!
Spring always comes late, and I love the cool mountain air from the arid polluted air of the city.
I have so much to do!
Spring comes late to the mountains - snow doesn't stop until June.
Is it wrong of me to be longing for spring just so I get things done?
When I love the snow so much?

I always hibernate through the winter.
My body just wants to sleep, like the rest of the family.
But my will wants to get things accomplished!
This internal conflict makes me want to scream.

My favorite radio commercial

2008-01-15T05:18:13Z

I've been wanting to write this down for some time to share with people. It's very cute!

Voice of a little kid: Ok, dad, now what is the URL?
Dad: The what?
Kid: The name!
Dad: Oh! www.helpwanted.com (name changed)
[Kid typing while Dad talks about how golf buddy said this was the greatest site to place a help wanted ad.]
Kid. Ok, Dad, now what do you want to do?
Dad: Place an ad.
[Kid typing]
Kid: Dad, I am missing recess for this. Ok. now you type in the ad.
[Dad keeps talking about how great the site is.]
Kid: Ok, I will type it.
[kid typing]
Dad: How do you know how to type? Are you taking a typing class?
Kid: Dad, I am only in the first grade.
Dad: Wow, your generation has this innate sense on how to...
Kid: Ok, done. Can I go back to school now?
Dad: Well, can you program my cell phone first?
Kid: Oh, brother!

The Outsiders

2008-01-15T03:01:01Z

Did anyone else have a passion or attraction to the Outsiiders by S.E.Hinton when in high school?

For Christmas I got the director's cut, which had all the deleted scenes so it was closer to the novel. I hadn't been interested in reading and watching The Outsiders when I was 13, since it was the "fad" of all teenage girls at the time, dreaming about the "cute boys" who played in the movie. New actors now well known. It was actually when the hype died down I became interested, and even then, it was for a completely different reason.

That Was Then, This Is Now also by S.E. Hinton was required reading. It was the first book that made me cry outloud and I couldn't help it - in class! At the time, I would never show such sentimentality to anyone, much less in a classroom! I loved the character PonyBoy in the book, who had a minor part, but I felt a kinship to the character. I knew he was the main character of The Outsiders, so I bought the book and LOVED it! I read it 23 times in a row in one sitting - read it through, and started over. I memorized it. And then saw the movie, loving the actors, who I thought did a great job! I still look back on it, and I still think the acting was amazing.

I am not a fan of fanfic, but after reading the book when I was 13, I immeditaely thought of writing stories based on the book, which I never actually did. My first diary/journal was started in the same year I read The Outsiders, and inspired by Anne Frank writing to "Dear Kitty" I wrote all my diaries my teenaged years to "Dear Ponyboy."

Sometimes I have really lucid dreams that seem real, and these dreams at times are inspired by my own stories or vice versa. Oftentimes my stories and dreams seem more real to life than my real life. And last night I dreamed of Ponyboy, with myself as being 13 again. My relationship to Ponyboy is one of a sister-friend, but I harbor a secret crush on him he doesn't know about. And as a 13 year old girl I struggle with, "Do I tell him? Do I not?" In the dream he had a girlfriend, who worked at a place like MacDonalds. They would make out, which wouldn't bother me, or did it? I am not even sure of my own feelings of it, could I be jealous? Yet I do not begrudge him having a girlfriend. We walked home together, and I wondered if I should tell him my thoughts or not. He held my hand, in a brotherly way. What was amazing was how real it felt.

Mostly the atmosphere is something childlike and innocent, something like going home. Maybe in my mind, Ponyboy is a friend I can relate to, if only in my imagination. I hadn't dreamt of him in years! But it again inspired me to write a story, something completely original, and nothing like S.E. Hinton's writing at all, nor her stories.

I think what I have always liked about S.E. Hinton was her writing from a boy's point of view. I also prefer to write from a men's point of view. I have always been a tomboy and had only guys for friends. In the Army, I lived with the Rangers for four years, even after I was out of the Army on disablility. They would forget I was female, and saw me as only a friend - not my gender. I was mainly regarded as a little brother. I am not at all masculine. I am very petite for a woman, and feminine nevertheless. My nickname my first years of college at 18 was "Elf." I am strange paradox of being very girly - at 13 I dressed like the 1950s or 1850s with full skirts, pigtails, and mary jane shoes in rebellion to the girls all tryiing to look 18. So I tried to look like I was five years old. While they tried to get the boys to notice them with their make up and hair, I had the boys' attention holding my own in basketball and soccor or whatever sports we were playing - getting just as physical, pigtails and skirts flying as I ran and tackled.

Guys would say I understood them so well they would forget I was a girl. I saw the hidden side to boys and men they hide from women, and I honestly like how honest and sensitive they are with each other, how loyal, that I have never seen nor experienced with girls or women.

Now, in my 30s, I am getting more into my girliness. Having a baby really softened me, and seperated me completely from men. I lost that bond with them by becoming a mother, and still never developed it with other women. But I found other women, like me, who were hardcore tomboys and now are mothers, also Pagan, like me, who see the world the same way. And so for the first time in my life, I have actual girlfriends than guy friends. And my husband, for the first time, is stronger in presense and personality than I am, and will not let me dominate him (like I usually do with men, because the sensitive types always seem to be the most attractive to me), and he makes me feel very girly in his presense. Yet every once in awhile, I will let my Firey temper flare to let him know he rules me into submission only because I allow it and find him worthy to dominate me, but he does so with my permission! I will not lose my independant spirit to another, yet at times I want to help others to the point I will be taken for granted. I just have to let it be known I am not a servant or slave.

Wow, I really tangented on that topic. LOL I am trying to learn to control that and not do it as much. I am getting better. Works great in fictional novels - not good for research papers and essays. :P

From all_unwritte "in the end"

2008-01-15T02:31:25Z

(I am so ashamed of my first post! Typos all over the place! Even when editing it. Well, I guess that is what I get for writing after chores and a nap. :P) Now onto a freeform writing exercise of "in the end."

In the end...there is a new beginning. Every ending begins anew.
World to Fool (Tarot)
Ouroborus - the eternal snake devouring its tail.
Zero. Circle. The endless spiral of life.

In the end...
I see the myth of the Journey of the Sun God and his travels to the Summerland, Avalon, the Isle of Apples, the Isle of Youth in the Western Sea.
"Everything lost is found again, in a new form in, a new way.
"Everything hurt is healed again, in a new life, in a new day."

How can I think of endings when I am thinking of beginnings? It's a new year! It's just after the New Moon! None of my novels or stories are even near close to thinking of ending them! They are all new beginnings - or editing what has already been written.

In the end...I win.
I win when I accomplish my goals.
I am more starting over again than ending.

First Entry

2008-01-15T02:10:06Z

I have so much oin my mind it is hard to filter through everything I want to write about. Just so many thoughts! heheh So I will just post a list of what has been going on today in general and get the chaso out to start on something more focused.

1.) This weekend Veneficus, my son, had a fever. I get him only six days a month a the moment as we continue through the custody battle we have had for six years now. I hadn't seen him in two weeks, and each time I get him, he is sick. We are very close, and I let him stay with his dad for the sake of trying to keep the conflict down. But I know his dad won't be happy until I am completely out of his life, which will never happen and he needs to just accept that. I didn't get much sleep, waking up every three hours to give him medication. I didn't take him to the ER this time because the tests always come up negative, and I just need to keep the fever under control. It broke early this morning, and he was well enough to go to school. I spent the day yesterday watching movie after movie with him - we didn't get to do the things we wanted to. Although Saturday we did build our snow kingdoms, but we didn't get to actually bomb one another with snowballs - since he got sick. We played one game of Risk and roasted marshmellows for smores in the woodstove.

2.) Local news today was focused on "pee bombs" on the freeways. Apparently truckers pee in bottles while driving and toss them out on the freeway. CalTrans is going puiblic with the problem since in one day they collected 350 bottles of pee on the highway in our county alone - the most in the state. It is expensive since they have to call in HazMat to identify the substance, and even so, it is considered a biological hazard. The DJ on the radio said we should just have women drive trucks, but then somemone pointed out there is a "J" thing women truckers use to pee in bottles while driving, too. What an odd issue!

3.) This morning at 6am, the roads were so icy they were like sparkling crystals on the road. My son said it looked like granite with quarrz. So we discussed geology for a little while. For a nine year old, he is very interesting guy. He is writing his first novel, and studying engineering. All type of engineering - right now aerospace engineering about airplanes and such. Thank goodness I have friends who are engineers, so he will have adults to discuss such issues with because mathematics is my worst subject and he is already passing me in knowledge in that area. I have to study ahead to keep up!

Ok, head is clear. Mother is making dinner tonight, so I don't have to worry about it. I made dinner last night. All is calm so I can just write. :)